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[Jul. 10th, 2009 * 06:26 pm] |
Great. I called Aetna, and the customer representative confirmed that there's only 3 psychiatrists in my city (not even technically *my* city, but the locale across the river) who are covered by my insurance, and all 3 are at the same address.
Whereas in Augusta, I found 23. In Charlotte, about 30. In Charleston, 6.
I feel a ridiculous urge to kill myself just to spite them.
Eh. I guess at least it makes choosing a psych simpler than if there were any choices. The thing is, I still don't believe it's true that only those 3 people are covered by Aetna.
.
And I can't understand why they don't sell any better disposable menstrual pads than they do. I've bought 3 different kinds, and 2 of them are those frickin plastic-covered things that stick to the skin on my butt and smell nauseating. Stupidly designed "wings" which are so narrow that they don't stay stuck to the underwear, and are more likely to come loose and attach to my skin. I may end up having to take my cloth pads on my trip after all, even though washing them will be a pain. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2009 * 06:23 pm] |
I'm now almost halfway thru the Atlas Shrugged book. I still like and dislike the same aspects about it as in the beginning.
I don't understand why, when people get upset about their partners having an affair, it is only or mainly over the aspect of the partner having sex with someone else. The partner can talk to someone else, correspond with them, spend time with them, do non-sexual things together with them, have fun with them, but it's only when there is something sexual involved, that it is considered a big deal or a major problem. Why is it considered such a big deal? If the partner falls in love with someone else, without having sex with them, why is it not considered as significant? Or is it not possible for most people to fall in love without having sex, or without desiring to have sex with the other person?
Parts of the book contrast what sex is like for Hank Reardon with his wife as compared to with his lover. His wife disdains sex, puts up with it as her "duty" to her husband, but tries to keep him from getting pleasure out of it. Whereas his lover enjoys sex, views it in a positive light, and makes it feel wonderful for him. The book describes how wrong the first way is, and how right the other way is. But I feel like I'm more similar to the wife, when it comes to sex, than the lover. I don't have a sex drive, and I don't particularly like sex... The vision of me being a lukewarm, disinterested, dispassionate body in bed doesn't strike me as too far from the truth... so, while I don't try to keep the other person from enjoying sex like the wife, I still feel that I resemble her more than the lover. So why would anyone sexual, especially someone who thinks so highly of that book, want to put up with me? Why does Q? Is it because he doesn't see me the way I see myself? Does he see his own image of me instead? Will that image slowly fade away over time? Does he think I've just repressed any sexual desires I may have as being a bad thing, like the wife did, as opposed to not having them? Does he think I will eventually become un-repressed?
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And why do some of my chigger bumps still itch, and why are some of them getting bigger again even though they were going away before? Does scratching them make them get big again? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 4th, 2009 * 09:58 pm] |
On the way to a 4th of July picnic at the lake, the topic of conversation turned to the strange fashion statement some people make, wearing their pants down at their knees, or below their butts, as if to show off their underwear. (Or maybe it is to show off their nicely proportioned buttocks?)
At the lake, it was crowded, sunny, warm, and noisy. After a while, I noticed an aesthetically pleasing-looking person... dressed in a red/black patterned shirt similar to one of mine, with black pants with a silvery chain on one side, and a glittery logo on the other, and a dapper hat... and, to my pleasant surprise, they appeared to be physically female, based on their chest. But they were definitely dressed in a masculine style. Hmmm, someone sort of like me... cool.
But she/he had zir pants hanging low in back, like the people we had been talking about on the ride there :)
Only partway down the butt, and it didn't really look bad, but still amusing. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 28th, 2009 * 06:48 pm] |
I did a search in Aetna's DocFind tool again, this time searching by distance from zip-code, and I found 3 psychiatrists, all at the same address. That's better than before (when I got *no* results), but it still is hard to believe that there would only be 3 psychiatrists in my urban area covered by Aetna. So I emailed Aetna about it.
I was thinking about meditation today. Maybe meditation feels good to people who are not depressed, but doesn't feel good to people are depressed or dysthymic. Maybe the default brain state for mentally healthy people when they let go of all thoughts, is a good feeling. But for people like me, the default brain state is neither good nor bad. It's just empty. So letting go of all thoughts just results in me feeling nothing. It can be relaxing, but it doesn't make me feel good.
Then again, there are many webpages that say meditation can be good against depression. Maybe if I envisioned feeling good while meditating, it would work better. Maybe it's just pessimism which makes it seem like a non-productive activity.
.
Who's my god?
Am I special enough for a god?
Everyone has potential.
What does a god get out of those who belong to it?
Pieces to play in a game?
What game is this?
What is fun about *this* game?
What is fun about *that* game, for that matter?
Gods are created
in order to have something to believe in.
There isn't anything I feel drawn to believing in anymore.
What was different, before?
What was it about light-sabers and Darth Vader?
What was it about ESP and magic?
What was different?
I was younger, less jaded, less experienced.
Is that all it was?
tickety tock
tickety tock
the mouse ran up the clock |
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| no rubber ducky |
[Jun. 28th, 2009 * 01:24 am] |
The original chigger bumps are on their way to being gone.
But I've still been getting a few new ones, it seems...
Maybe these are mosquito bites, but I'm not sure.
So on someone's advice,
I patted my body down with vinegar,
let it dry,
and then took a bath.
Sitting in a tub of water
sounds awfully boring to me.
So I lit a candle,
got out a blue glowstick to play with (it floats)
and put on some techno music.
Well, first I cleaned the tub (since sitting in a dirty tub seems icky),
and then I took a pre-shower (since sitting in a tub of dirty water seems icky).
And then I did the vinegar and bath.
And then I did a post-shower
It was different and sort of nice.
Probably about the 3rd bath I've taken in the last decade.
Or maybe the last 2 decades.
Bathtubs were larger when I was a child. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 27th, 2009 * 06:07 pm] |
a brief mental dalliance
with my elusive master
and trickster god
apprentice... no?... servant...
sex
hmph
that's all it devolves into
because creativity fails me.
yet, a brief dalliance
is better than none
at all
and it has been a while
since the elusive one
has visited my mind.
no sex in 2 weeks.
odd to think
that for 2 years...
yet maybe it is the lack of sex
that enables my mind
to create
a sexual fantasy
where the content
is somewhat enticing
as opposed to mundane.
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| Chiggers! |
[Jun. 22nd, 2009 * 06:40 pm] |
I would have preferred it to have been poison ivy! At least I could learn to recognize and avoid a plant. But tiny bugs which you can hardly see, crawling straight through your socks and up your legs! |
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| meme |
[Jun. 21st, 2009 * 02:14 am] |
When you see this, take a minute and share five good things of your day with the world, uncut.
1. I was amused that a review of an electrician on Angie's List ended with the sentence, "And he had pretty blue eyes."
2. I drove down some streets I hadn't been on before.
3. I picked some blackberries and ate them.
4. I got a surprise phone-call and a ride in a nifty new car.
5. I finished putting together a rough itinerary of my trip to Germany in August. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 20th, 2009 * 12:27 am] |
I've been wondering if I might feel self-conscious for having a flat chest, if I get top surgery. For looking like a female, but not like a female. Which doesn't really make sense, since up till now, I've always been self-conscious when I notice my breasts are noticeable, and not self-conscious when I wear a sports bra which makes my chest look flatter. But I guess I worry that having them removed would make me even flatter... like with a sunken chest, maybe... and that people might pick up on that more. Oh, who cares. But I've been trying to think of the possible negative effects, to make sure I'm willing to put up with them.
.
Q said something which struck me in a bad way. About how us not being able to sleep together in the same room would defeat the purpose of me going a particular place with him.
.
What if I get on anti-depressants, and they don't make life feel any better? Then what will I do?
.
So many people have things so much worse than I do.
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At work, I don't *want* to lead any meetings. I don't *want* to be put in charge of anything. Give me some work, tell me what needs to be done, and I'll do it. Tell me to present something in a meeting, and I can even do that. But if you tell me to lead something, or to be in charge of other people, then I get all uncomfortable and nervous. Please don't do that.
.
A hawk flew towards me and past me, following the path of the street I was walking on, between the trees on either side, carrying a small animal in its talons.
. |
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| meme |
[Jun. 18th, 2009 * 07:55 am] |
If there is one person or more on your friends list who makes your world a better place just because they exist and who you would not have met (in real life or not) without the internet, then post this same sentence in your journal.
♥ ♥ ♥ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2009 * 11:44 pm] |
I like how this Canadian guide on FTM surgery includes mention of non-transsexuals who may want surgery:
We use “FTM” as shorthand for a spectrum that includes not just transsexuals, but anyone who was assigned female at birth and who identifies as male, masculine, or a man some or all of the time. Some non-transsexuals in the FTM spectrum (androgynous people, butches, drag kings, bi-gender and multi-gender people, etc.) may also want some of the surgeries described above, and may not identify or live as men. For this reason we use the term FTM instead of “trans men”.
...
For FTMs, the goals of SRS are to reduce “female” characteristics and make the body look more “masculine” or androgynous (depending on how you identify).
This youtube video by videokidsam also has some good info on top surgery vs reduction. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 6th, 2009 * 10:06 pm] |
Apparently, nipples may retain sensation and even the ability to become erect, after top surgery. Sometimes they do, and sometimes not. The nipples are more likely to retain sensation if the "pedicle" technique is used during the surgery.
Now I'm curious about how or if the actual nipple can be made smaller during surgery. Not just the areola - that sounds easy to make smaller. But the actual bumpy part. Guys don't have as big bumpy parts as females, so surely FTMs would want their bumps smaller too, not just the areolas. If they still have the bumps, that is. If there's no erect tissue, there's no bumps, I guess.
I don't like it when my bumps are visible through my shirts. That is one reason I wear bras or vests or shirts with pockets. Even if I had top surgery, if my bumps were still prominent, I might still not be comfortable wearing thin shirts in public because of it.
Retaining sensation seems better than losing it, even though I don't have any erogenous sensations in that area. And retaining erectibility seems desirable, because I'm used to it. But I guess either outcome has its pros and cons.
update:
Just reading about top surgery and looking at photos has been making my nipples ache somewhat like they do in very cold weather. At times like this, I think that it might be preferable to lose sensation in them. |
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| journal entries and the cutting of trees and killing of life |
[Jun. 6th, 2009 * 09:05 pm] |
I was going through some of my old online journal entries which I don't keep online anymore, and got the idea that perhaps I should post them back on my website. It doesn't matter if hardly anyone ever looks at them; they are a part of my history, and some are quite poetic. But it would be nice if they were tagged, so that I could easily find all posts related to various topics. But I could do that! Instead of just posting the original html files on my website, I could post each entry into a journal system like my dreamwidth account, and tag them at the same time! I haven't even managed to find the time to tag all of my old LiveJournal entries though.
I'm not poetic like I used to be. Out of pain came poetry. Nowadays I avoid writing when I'm feeling bad. There's no point in making other people feel blue too. If I write about pain nowadays, it seems embarrassing, whiny, and repetitive. Not that I completely avoid it.
*
i want
my words
to be
beauty
*
I've been pruning and cutting down some small trees in my yard; trees growing in places where I don't want them to grow. I don't like doing it; I feel bad for the trees I'm killing and/or mutilating; I feel bad for the insects and animals that may have lived on or played on them. I sort of feel like an emotionless killer. It's so easy to cut down living branches. So easy to saw through a 3 inch trunk. Killing things, simply because I don't want them where they happen to be.
There are ant mounds in my yard. I may end up putting down bait to kill the ants. I haven't yet decided... if the mounds didn't get bigger and didn't multiply, they wouldn't bother me; but they do, and I don't want my yard to end up full of fire ants. So I may try killing them. I don't like doing it, but in the end, it is a simple matter to do. I don't have to think about the hundreds or thousands of dying ants... just like I don't have to think about the trees. Emotionless. Easy. I wonder if that is what serial murderers feel when they kill people. No, they get some kind of pleasure out of it, right? So not that. But then, I wonder if that is what hardened criminals feel when they victimize and murder people. Nothing. Expendiency. You don't want the person to be alive, or you don't care about their pain, so you hurt or kill them, for your own benefit.
The particular post I was looking for was one in which I voiced sadness and anger at FF pruning/cutting the trees which grew in front of my bedroom window, when I lived at her house. It's so ironic, that now I'm doing the same kind of thing. No sadness; no anger; it's just what one has to do, to keep things from getting overgrown and overly shady.
Irony.
Not who I used to be.
Oh. There are these very cute little insects that live on the trees around here. They are camouflaged to look like little bits of bark. But they have white fluff/feathery stuff on their tail ends. |
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| vegan chocolate chip cookie recipe |
[May. 25th, 2009 * 05:27 pm] |
Based on this recipe, but modified for extra chewiness with the rice-flour paste element of this recipe.
Chewy Chocolate Chip cookies (makes about 2 dozen)
1/8 cup sweet rice flour, mixed with 1/2 cup water
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 white sugar
3/8 cup canola oil
1 Tblsp. tapioca starch
2 tsp. pure vanilla extract
1/2 cup sweet rice flour
1/2 cup white flour
1/8 cup whole wheat flour
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 cup chopped macadamia nuts
3/4 cup chocolate chunks
Preheat oven to 350 F. Lightly grease two large light metal baking sheets.
Heat the 1/8 cup rice flour and 1/2 cup water in a small saucepan, stirring constantly, until it forms a thick paste. Set aside to cool.
Mix together the sugars, oil, and tapioca starch in a mixing bowl. Mix them well, then stir in the vanilla and the rice-flour paste.
Add the dry flours and salt. Mix until well incorporated. Fold in the chocolate chips and nuts.
Drop spoonfuls of dough in about walnut size balls onto the baking sheets. Bake for about 10-12 minutes until they are just a little browned around the edges. Remove from pan immediately.
Note: Sweet Rice Flour is made from glutinous (sticky) rice, and can be found in some Asian groceries. It is not the same thing as (plain) rice flour, which is made from non-glutinous rice. |
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| polka! |
[May. 25th, 2009 * 05:25 pm] |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 25th, 2009 * 02:36 am] |
I can't find any psychiatrists in my health insurance's doctor-finder directory. I found a few clinical psychologists under the Behavorial Health section, but apparently they can't prescribe medicine, from what someone I called told me. Guess I'd have to call the health insurance up and ask them how to find the psychs.
Maybe I should just start eating a lot of walnuts or taking flaxseed oil. I tried vegan omega-3 capsules for a while, but didn't like them because they tasted fishy, and because I got a sore throat a few times afterwards, which made me wary of them.
I'd feel better about taking something natural like flaxseed oil than prescription drugs. But I don't have much faith in natural remedies like that, so it probably wouldn't work. I don't have any confidence that prescription drugs would work either. |
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| fake LJ accounts |
[May. 24th, 2009 * 12:41 pm] |
Well, this is interesting. Q's LJ account just got friended by this id. The profile on that account doesn't seem suspicious. But it only has friends-locked entries.
I did a Google-search, and found an older cached version of that account's profile. The cached version has a different user pic, is in Russian, and has a completely different set of entries in the friends-list - several of which are Russian-sounding.
It seems that the spammers/bot-creators are getting smarter and realizing that the Russian parts are tip-offs. And it seems that they must be friending a certain number of journals, waiting a while to see who will friend them back, and then unfriending the previous ones in order to friend another set of journals. That avoids them seeming suspicious by having too many entries in their friends-list.
I wonder where they are getting the text to use on their profiles; if they are randomly copying it from other journals...? Ah, it must be so. I did a search on the profile text, and found this account, which appears to be a real one: http://vazor222.livejournal.com/profile.
Off to report the suspicious ID...
Another possibility is that it was a real account that got hijacked by a spammer. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 23rd, 2009 * 08:30 pm] |
I don't know yet how to go about either getting top surgery or getting on antidepressants. The latter seems simpler - look up psychologists in my health insurance directory, and choose one. The former involves more research and deciding if I really want to go ahead with it, and finding out if I can even get it done. But I wonder if I get on antidepressants, if that could make it harder to get top surgery. Maybe a doctor would think that me being on psych meds was a sign of mental instability. It's probably hard enough convincing a doctor that I want my breasts removed even though I don't plan on presenting as male.
I just noticed that Bro and Pard chipped the inside finish on one of my enamel pots. It shouldn't bother me; it's just a pot. Friends and family are more important than pots, right? It seems like I should appreciate having them here more than I do; it seems like I should enjoy their company and their presence, and not just always be finding fault with things.
I read this post earlier. At first, I thought, "Aw, that's sweet, someone in love". But then I got to thinking, that I've never really felt that way about anyone - being in love and missing the other person's physical presence. I even find it hard to imagine. The closest thing I can think of is when I had my first crush (as well as the 2nd), and I missed being able to communicate/interact with that person when he wasn't online and when he did not respond to my emails in a timely manner. I suppose that if we had been having a lot of physical interactions that were as exciting as the online interactions, that then I might have also missed his physical presence.
I missed Q's online presence too, at times, in the beginning. Now we don't interact online anymore... I still miss that somewhat, when I think about it. There's something I get, when chatting online with someone, that I don't get in their physical presence. I suppose that must seem odd to other people. Or maybe it's just the sexual tension that used to be there, which isn't anymore. Maybe that is what I miss, and even if we chatted online now, it would not be the same as it was back then.
I don't miss Q on the days he's not here... I know he's coming back in a day or two, so what is there to miss? I only get sad and think about missing him, when I think about us breaking up. Because then he wouldn't be back, ever.
I get to feeling sorry for myself when I think about such things. Poor me, I don't like anyone enough to miss them. Poor me, there's no sexual tension in my life. Poor me, I've lost the capability to feel sexual tension. Poor ole me.
I had a sexual dream last night. It involved rubber sandals. Q was in a part of it. It wasn't a particularly memorable or special dream, but I was feeling subby in it. And oddly, it also included a woman from work whom I'm not in the least attracted to when I'm awake. In the dream, she was acting domly towards me.
This whole BDSM thing is an unresolved issue with me. I feel bitter and disappointed when I think about BDSM. I can't have sexual tension without D/s. But I don't want to submit to anyone. Because when I do, nothing good comes of it.
Poor ole me. Blah, blah, blah. |
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darkoshi's journal